But I like the telling part…
I went to a party last night. The kind of party where you aren’t supposed to talk about what you do. But how much do I respect those boundaries? Only by the skin of my teeth. Which has no skin. So I...
View ArticleControl, sex, identity
I’ve been a kinky motherfucker all of my life. I officially entered the bdsm community at 18, but I was doing kinky stuff before then. I’ve been giving oral sex for 31 years. I’ve been having PIV...
View ArticleFuzzy boundaries, longing, and self control.
Oh golly. This has been quite a month. Changing rules and boundaries and more oh my. I feel like it has been coming for a while. Noah feels like it has been coming for a while. My shrink says, “It’s...
View ArticleNot fair
I spend a lot of time worrying that what I want isn’t fair. Not to Noah, not to the people I am propositioning, not to my kids, maybe even not to me. What is “fair”? Noah is having some feelings about...
View ArticleFeeling more complete
At the conclusion of Cranky Day I went up to Wicked Grounds and had dinner with two wonderful women. We had a great conversation. I felt seen. I felt like I had friends. I felt like I know these...
View ArticleI feel less antsy.
At bed time last night I got dressed up (like up) and went to a munch. The kind of munch that happens at a bar so people play quite a bit. Less like the munches I grew up at where play was...
View ArticleThings I learned today.
The scene was quite lovely. It was shorter than I was hoping for but I hear that’s my fault for being inspiring. No, that’s not what he said. I’m being an asshole. But it is why I’m soliciting people...
View ArticleHunting lessons
Exhaustion is a real thing. When I’m over tired I can’t read tone to save my life. I’m whiny, over-sensitive and I’m going to spend a lot of time crying. It’s not about a person saying something… it’s...
View ArticleIn love with love
Noah and I talked about this yesterday. I am… not your average hunter. I know many predatory hunters. They want to feel powerful. They want to have a long list of prey because it makes them feel...
View ArticlePunching is so awesome.
Last night was a punching heavy night. I was punching a lot and then I got punched a lot. Life is fair sometimes. I played with the Professor. He plays with a lot of new people and he is good at...
View ArticleComing home
When I was 18 years old I showed up in the bdsm community. I had some awkward experiences then I went to a munch. Then I went to my second munch. At my second munch I was invited to a private party....
View ArticleSharing complications
I am… a tremendous asshole. I know this. I know this so terribly well. Noah and I have been talking a lot. I wish I had the spoons to record lots of it but I don’t. Ow. This is the very first song I...
View ArticlePromiscuity and permission
I had a thought. And even though I’m trying not to type much this weekend I want to write this down. The difference between me doing what I’m going to do and feeling good about myself and me doing what...
View ArticleMasochism
Maybe I can’t sleep. I woke Noah up for sex (like a nice girl) and that wasn’t enough to make me sleep again. Masochism has been a very central pillar of my life. The degree to which I submit my will...
View ArticleCatharsis
I need to start getting my thoughts in order to talk about catharsis. I’m sure that what I actually say will vary from what I’m writing about. Such is life. Because I’m me, let’s start with a...
View ArticleIncandescently angry.
Ok, I left the party buzzing. I felt great. I felt higher than a kite. I had a fantastic scene with Cupid. Then on the drive home Noah told me about a conversation he had with the partner of someone he...
View ArticleGood grief I am insecure.
You know… it would be super awesome if in some decade of marriage Noah and I got to the point of being able to say, “We need an epic 9 hour processing day because I HAVE FEELINGS” without the awful...
View ArticleLimits are funny
My code switching skills are variable. Sometimes I’m excellent. Sometimes I really suck. I have managed to compartmentalized enough that I can have wild sex in every part of my house when my kids...
View ArticleNext mood swing: cranky
It has been true so long that now it is almost funny. When I am being really really self-hating… the fastest way to break that mood chain is to get cranky at someone else. This time I’m cranky at a...
View ArticleMoving the needle
I’m trying to figure out how to get things to improve in my marriage. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m scared. At this point we are most of the way through arguing about all of our done-me-wrongs over the last...
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